Satire

Hero Couple Keeps Oktoberfest Alive by Livestreaming Messy, Drunken Breakup

LA CROSSE, WIS – Oktoberfest may be cancelled this year, but its spirit will go on even during these troubled times. That seems to be the message being sent by local couple Andrew Brown and Crystal Williams, who decided to livestream their chaotic, drawn-out, and extremely inebriated breakup.

“It’s wild,” said @butt_master420, a member of the stream’s audience. “A lot of us were pretty bummed going into the weekend knowing we wouldn’t get to see one of the best parts of the fest – watching some couple go fully fucking ‘Challenger’ all over the fest grounds. But early this afternoon my buddy sent me the link to this stream, which really turned the weekend around for a lot of us.”

The breakup stream started Saturday morning when Andrew and Crystal decided to have a “mini fest” and broadcast their day drinking. Things took a dark turn around lunch time, however.

“Haha no one saw that coming,” reported @hockeyMan69, a friend of Andrew’s and an early viewer to the stream. “I guess he got her order wrong? They were both already pretty lit, and I guess that struck a nerve. Anyways instead of just apologizing he insisted he ordered her favorite and next thing anyone knows she’s chasing him around the apartment screaming ‘WHO IS SHE?? WHOSE FUCKING BURRITO IS THIS!?’”

“Lol,” @hockeyMan69 added. “It was all over for Andy when he asked if it was her ‘time’ though. Dumbass.”

The livestream – which at one point had over 15,000 viewers and was trending on twitter, featuring the hashtag #octobreakup2020 and a popular .gif of Andrew ducking a still foil-wrapped burrito – seemed to reach its peak in the mid afternoon.

“A lot of people tuned out maybe around 3 or so, when Crystal stormed out with just her purse and an armful of clothes, saying her mom was coming to pick her up or something” commented @the_beer_liker. “Anyone who dipped out then missed the best part though – my dude just sits on the couch and solos two whole burritos, just staring off into space and crying into his guac. Fucking classic.”

When the La Crosse Times reached out to the couple for comment, Crystal had come back to the apartment to “get her phone charger” and then she and Andrew had begun to make out in a pile of dirty laundry while both declaring how sorry they were. Could this mean that a repeat performance is possible next year? We can only hope! Ein Prosit!

Reporter Lincoln Freimund contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire