Satire

Man Recreates Oktoberfest Parade Experience by Getting Drunk and Screaming at Traffic

LA CROSSE, WIS — Able Weiss is a big fan of tradition, especially when that tradition involves the Oktoberfest parade.

“Normal traffic is like a really fast parade, if you drink and believe hard enough,” Able said.

Able had been camped out in front of the Loggers stadium since Wednesday despite the fact that Oktoberfest and the Saturday morning parade have been canceled because of the Novel Coronavirus. 

“That virus ain’t stopping me. I’ve got my mask and plenty of sanitizer right here,” he said while patting a cooler full of beer next to him.

Able is also practicing social distancing since he’s the only one camped out.   

“I got a primo spot this year!” he exclaimed.

He’s also got a plan. 

“First, I’m gonna get really, really drunk. Then, I’ll pretend that teens driving by with loud music are like marching bands.  Semis and cars with advertising on them are like floats, and if I’m lucky, there will be an emergency or two to get some fire trucks and ambulances to go by with their flashy lights and their tooty horns.”

Able goes on. 

“I know the floats are usually the ones that throw candy into the crowd, but I doubt anyone will be doing that, so I brought my own,” Able said while holding up a five pound tootsie roll bag. “I ate most of it already so I just re-filled it with rocks. Kids like rocks, right?”

Able was already passed out at the time of this publishing.

Reporter DJ Bigalke contributed to this article.

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