Satire

Guy Bets That Driveway He Just Passed “Probably Sucks in the Winter Time, Right?”

LA CROSSE, WIS — Delivery driver Benjie Sorenson made a major assertion to his co-worker Monday concerning a random driveway they passed on the way to drop off a brand new couch.

“We were driving along, and [Sorenson] was telling me his third story about how the new weed he bought is a slightly different high than the last stuff,” his co-worker Alan Tuggstink said. “Pretty standard one-sided conversation from him. All of the sudden, we drove by this place way up in the hills with a long, winding and narrow driveway.”

According to Tuggstink, Sorenson stopped in the middle of his story explaining why he prefers sativa strains to indica because he doesn’t like the “super sleepy body” high he gets, and started vigorously pointing.

“Look! Oh my god, dude… look! Awwwwwww, I bet that sucks in the winter time, right? Balls…” Sorenson asserted.

“Normally I just tune him out and frantically search through Indeed.com job postings for the 14th time that day,” Tuggstink said, “but that one made me stop and think, ‘Huh… you know what? I bet that would suck during winter time…’”

Tuggstink said for the first time, he and Sorenson were able to bond over discussions of how much snow shoveling would suck without a snowblower, or how much of “a bitch” it would be making it up the hill when there was ice of any kind.

“It was the only time I felt like we had anything in common,” Tuggstink said. “I bet a lot of people in Wisconsin have this in common, though.”

After discussing how much clearing the driveway would “blow ass” and the methods by which someone would have to do it, both Sorenson and Tuggstink came to a conclusion.

“They had like a huge house though,” Tuggstink added, “So… they probably pay someone to do all that, I bet.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire