Satire

First In-Person Kindergarten Classes Going Terribly

CLEVELAND, OH — The first classes back in-person at an area elementary prep school for adult babies are NOT going well, according to school officials.

“Two kindergarten-level students in particular are proving very difficult,” school principal Chris Wallace said. “We’re trying to get them to focus on learning, but all they’re learning are new insults for each other.”

Donald Trump and Joe Biden, two kindergarteners in their seventies, caused the most problems, according to teachers.

“It started with a lot of interrupting and name-calling,” Principal Wallace said. “Then it got to the point where Donald basically threatened to have an army of juvenile delinquents stand by for some ominous attack, while Joe continued to spend the whole time trying to assure everyone that he’s not as nice as everyone thinks he is, so don’t get comfortable.”

Education professionals don’t expect in-person classes to improve, labeling the first as a “shitshow” and “dumpster fire” and “this is what you deserve for not having ranked-choice voting”.

“What a mess,” Wallace added, defeated. “But that’s what you deal with when all you have are these kind of senior citizen toddlers.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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