Satire

Killer Robot KT1000 Sent From The Future to Kill Few Remaining La Crosse Gas Stations

LA CROSSE, WIS — A cyborg assassin sent from the year 2029 arrived on the north side of La Crosse this past weekend via blu lightning orb to destroy the few remaining non-Kwik Trip gas stations. 

The KT-1000 cybernetic organism arrived Saturday evening under the Rose Street Viaduct covered in living human tissue over a metal endoskeleton. Many believe the location of its arrival to be where the Kwik Trip will achieve consciousness in the near future as it is located between four already powerful Kwik Trips, each equipped with its own walk-in beer cooler and car wash. 

Created by Kwik Trip’s Karuba Skynet program, the KT-1000 is a heavy combat model designed specifically for gas station termination. It is programmed for both operation of all gas station appliances and total destruction including firing automatic rifles, jockeying cash registers, piloting military helicopters, unclogging cappuccino machines, hand to hand combat, and cleaning gas pumps. 

Clad in the blue Kwik Trip employee shirt tucked into beltless khaki pants, the KT-1000 immediately went into action to complete its programmed mission. 

“Geographically, we believe the first target for the KT-1000 will be the BP on French island because it is the northernmost non-Kwik Trip entity,” commented Kwik Trip manager Don Hotspot, “Then the KT-1000 will move south sweeping through downtown as it takes out the Mileage Station, before finishing the job with Bion’s Service and Clark Gas on State Road.”

Once the KT-1000 completed his mission of terminating the few remaining stations, it will then begin construction by assimilating the station into a new Kwik Trip.

“We’re very excited for the KT-1000 to finally rid La Crosse of any other competing gas stations,” Hotspot added, “and finally the Kwik Trip can rule supreme.”

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire