Satire

Walgreens to Open “Walgreens-itin” as Its Generic Brand Retail Store

LA CROSSE, WIS — Popular pharmacy retailer Walgreens has announced plans for “Walgreens-itin”, a generic brand retail pharmacy store.

The new stores are set to open in October across the nation, including two locations in La Crosse. 

Walgreens officials say the new stores will provide even more cost-effective options to customers with the same name-brand quality. 

“The whole store itself will now be a generic brand,” said company spokesperson Sheila Watts. “Honestly, it will be hard to tell what products do what. Tamp-itin? I’m not sure what that is.”

Tamp-itin is a generic version of Tampax tampons, one of the many new lines set to debut next month.  

Despite a few logistics to settle, the move appears to signal a doubling down on Walgreens’ existing focus on generic brand products. 

Company officials did not release any further marketing details, but insiders say that the pharmacy giant is considering the slogan “Near the corner of happy and healthy enough,” a line alluding to the previously-used “At the corner of happy and healthy.” As an alternative, they are also considering “Walgreens-itin. Trusted since 2020,” which aligns closely with the current official company slogan.

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

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