Satire

Next Presidential Debate to Adopt “Fuck, Marry, Kill” Format

MIAMI, FL — After the absolute shitshow, dumpster fire, hot mess that was this first presidential debate on September 15th, the Commission of Presidential Debates (CPD) announced Wednesday that it would add “additional structure” to the remaining faceoffs between President Donald Trump and Democratic nominee Joe Biden. Today, the CPD announced that additional structure as the “Fuck, Marry, Kill” format. 

“We needed a format that would allow the moderator to ask the question that will make each side to respectfully listen attentively and contemplate their response,” explained CPD president Dr. Charles Debatums III, “We believe the Fuck, Marry, Kill debate format does exactly that.” 

In a standard game of Fuck, Marry, Kill, a person presents the named of three people in a hypothetical situation where the responder has to which of the three they would like to have intercourse with (seeminly as a one night stand), which they could marry and spend their lives with, and which of the three would be best left in a shallow grave. Usually the three presented are celebrities, but often the game includes classmates and coworkers. 

For the Fuck, Marry, Kill debate format, Debatums explained that the moderator will present the presidential candidates with three different political topics. For example, the candidates could be asked to choose between immigration, unemployment, and healthcare. In that scenario, the candidates are only allowed to say which they would fuck, marry, and kill and that is all.

“It actually encourages candidates to want to use their time when not speaking to actively listen to the first person until they have finished their response,” Debatums said, “It also encourages responders to branch outside of the standard generic talking points and actually take a solid stance on important issues.”

When asked how this format will help voters understand the nuances of each candidate’s plan, Debatums responded that any person who has played knows people exactly what each response means. 

“From my previous example, if a candidate says they want to fuck unemployment, marry immigration, and kill healthcare, it’s quite obvious what they are saying,” Debatums continued, “Their focus is tacking illegal immigration while unemplyment will be somethign they take credit for, but not really invest much time or effort into it. And killing healthcare means they are a Republican.”

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire