Satire

BREAKING: Local Man Tests Positive for NO SYMPATHY-45

ONALASKA, WIS — When Charles Wearsamask woke up this morning, he was feeling a bit “off.” The Onalaska native could not quite pinpoint what was amiss, but he knew something just was feeling not right. Physically he felt wonderful, ate a big breakfast, and crushed his morning workout with no problems. Then Wearsamask turned the news, and that’s when he realized that he had all the symptoms of NO SYMPATHY-45. 

NO SYMPATHY-45 is a disease that has run rampant in the United States over the past four years. The disease is most often spread in political news, presidential press briefings, or logging onto Twitter. The best way to prevent the disease from spreading is to wear a mask over your eyes and ears.

The most recent spike in cases in the United States came this past week the morning after the presidential debate. This is where Wearsamask believes he caught the disease. 

“I usually try to ignore politics and just live my life,” Wearsamask said, “I can’t remember a single time where a decision was made on capitol hill where we all collectively celebrated. Every decision causes half of us pain.” 

But this past week, Wearsamask broke his own rules and succumbed to the temptations of watching the presidential debate without the protective ear or eye coverings.  

Where most people contracted NO SYMPATHY-45 years ago, Wearsamask is new to the experience of not caring at all about the well-being of a fellow person. Wearsamask likened the feeling to watching a shit juggling contest where no one would feel bad if the juggler would end up being covered in shit. 

“Honestly when I saw the news, I did not feel a drop of sympathy. Not one!” Wearsamask added, “This is the first time in my life where another human being is in serious danger, and I literally do not care even the tiniest of bits. I just kept sipping my coffee and checked the NBA finals score.” 

Wearsamask explained that one of the symptoms of NO SYMPATHY-45 is possessing the ability to recognize when the actions of someone in power are so obviously misguided and corrupt that their own incompetence has cost the lives of probably thousands people, then perhaps the world would be a better place if that person was just gone. 

“It’s like living that moment from Wrath of Khan where Spcok dies and says that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one,” Wearsamask continued, “except the role of Spock was played by Jabba the Hutt.” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire