Satire

Hand Injuries Skyrocket as Entire Nation Violently Crosses Its Fingers

WASHINGTON, DC — Doctors across the nation are stunned by millions of new stress hand injuries cropping up almost overnight.

“Most cases involve extreme strain to the tendons of the middle and forefinger,” Dr Ranky Yogurt said. “It’s honestly a pretty rare injury, so seeing millions of cases so soon is truly bizarre.”

Health experts say the cases are consistent with someone hoping for or against something so hard, they injure their hands crossing their fingers in that process.

“We’re working on a study to see if we can narrow down any common thread,” Dr Yogurt said, “but at the moment we can’t say why this is happening. I wish we could, really.”

At the moment, doctors are recommending blanket precautions of avoiding “any physical components of hope”.

“Don’t cross your fingers, bite your lips, rub a lucky charm with your thumb, or anything like that,” Dr Yogurt said. “You could really hurt yourself right now.”

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

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