Satire

Johnson Investigating Whether COVID Nasal Swab Was Really Hunter Biden in Disguise

WASHINGTON, DC — Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson is opening yet another GOP led inquiry into Hunter Biden and whether he was somehow involved in the senator’s positive COVID-19 diagnosis.

“We have reason to believe the former Vice President’s son and his business ties may have disguised themselves as a COVID-19 nasal swab test for purely political purposes,” Johnson’s statement, released Saturday, said. “These are very serious allegations that we intend to waste as much taxpayer time and money as we possibly can to investigate.”

The senator’s office goes on to accuse Hunter Biden of using Ukrainian resources to shrink down and completely disguise himself as a long skinny white swab. Biden – as a swab – would have been smuggled along with thousands of other nasal swabs back to the US, and more specifically, to Wisconsin senator Ron Johnson’s team.

“The senator isn’t currently exhibiting any symptoms, which we are taking as a clear indication of Mr Biden becoming a swab and purposefully putting forth a false positive to hurt the senator’s sterling reputation,” the statement said. “It’s really the most logical conclusion.”

Spokespeople for Hunter Biden couldn’t be reached immediately for comment, which Senator Johnson’s office labeled as “extremely suspicious”. 

“‘Out of Office’… sure… we all know that really means you’re too busy doing conspiracy stuff to answer an email,” Johnson’s spokesperson said. “This is not great optics… What? No, for Biden! Obviously.”

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

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