Satire

Districts Install Cardboard Parents Screaming at Teachers For Real Conferences Experience

ONALASKA, WIS — With conferences right around the corner, parents and teachers alike are seeking out some normalcy in a world that is anything but. That is why the School District of Onalaska is providing their teachers with lifesize cardboard cutouts of parents screaming at them to help them feel like it is a regular parent-teacher conference. 

“We are looking for ways to make this virtual learning situation feel as normal as possible,” commented Onalaska School District Superintendent Pippy Standardized, “We just want our staff to feel harshly judged by a parent who lacks perspective of the teacher’s severely inadequate resources, training, budget, and ballooned class size. You know, like normal.”

As an added bonus, the district will also be connecting each teacher’s ZOOM meeting audio with the parents to two floor-standing loudspeakers. Each speaker is equipped with a pair of 6.5 inch bass woofers, one 8 inch midrange woofer, and a 2 inch inverted dome tweeter to provide a sonic stereo sound of the venomous belittling the parents have prepared for the teacher. 

“We don’t want teachers to just hear the parents,” Standardized added, “We want them to feel their wrath.” 

Instead of investing in stock images of angry people, the district brought in actual angry parents from the community to pose for high resolution photographs in order to create a surely frightful experience.

“It was important to us that the photographs be as realistic as possible AND are of actual community members they may bump into at Kwik Trip or Festival,” Standardized concluded, “That’s where the real fear of teaching lies: being confronted in the community while not working.” 

It is reported that the budget to construct these parental-shame posters will be garnished from each teacher’s wages. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

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