Satire

Tearful Mayor in Warehouse Frantically Trying to Eat All Unsold Oktoberfest Brats

LA CROSSE, WIS — Instead of spending Oktoberfest out making appearances and celebrating in the community, a week later La Crosse Mayor Tim Kabat locked himself inside of the warehouse where the city stores its Oktoberfest bratwurst supply, and attempted to eat all of the unsold brats before they spoiled as he profusely wept.  

Like most leaders around the country, this year has not been kind to the mayor. Leading a city marred by the effects of COVID-19 has proven to be an incredibly daunting task. Specifically with a growing population of anti-maskers combined with the drinking culture and the large college-aged population, Kabat’s efforts to help citizens manage the pandemic have been largely ignored.

Though he has continued to show a facade of strength and poise, secretly that emotional armor had slowly chipped and eroded away. That armor eventually broke late last night in a refrigerated storage shed located in the north side industrial park. 

“The mayor has locked himself in the shed and is refusing to answer us at this time,” commented the mayor’s assistant Hilty Farktop, “We know he is in there because we can hear the muffled sounds of sobbing combined with the sloppy chewing sounds that come only from eating Oktoberfest brats.” 

Farktop did say that they would occasionally hear the mayor yell seemingly random thoughts in the warehouse including “I’m so sorry, local economy!” and “Oh my god, there are so many of them!” 

It is safely assumed that the mayor intends to eat all of the brats in the warehouse, but with 25,000 brats in the storage, it would take the mayor almost five days to eat them all if he ate them at a world-record pace of 35 in 10 minutes (set by Joey Chestnut in 2011). 

“We’ve decided to just wait until he eats himself to sleep,” Farktop added, “like most Oktoberfest brat eaters do.”

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire