Satire

BREAKING: Coworker Anxiously Figuring Out Best Time and Place to Take a Dump at Work

LA CROSSE, WIS — Sean Windreiner has spent most of this morning in a self-conscious, half-panicked fog as he frantically figures out how to handle the surprise bowel movement that arose at approximately 9:30 AM while at work. 

Sources say Windreiner is well aware of the horrified reactions he and others typically have when a colleague has clearly wrecked the office bathroom. Cutting sarcasm, social exclusion, and giving off the impression of being gross are but a few of the consequences at stake for the beleaguered and clenched 36-year-old.

Desperately wanting to avoid the inevitable barrage of disgusted looks, accusatory glances, and thinly-veiled judgments, Windreiner is assessing his options with time running out in the most excruciating of fashions.  

According to building layout design papers obtained by The La Crosse Times, Windreiner has three options: the aforementioned staff bathroom in Windreiner’s office suite, the main lobby bathroom, and a basement closet bathroom in the janitorial supplies room.

Windreiner was initially expected to simply duck out and use the main lobby bathroom, but Sarah, the receptionist, has not taken her lunch yet, plus the building is currently closed to the public, meaning Windreiner would not be able to blend in and blame it on strangers.

Windreiner would rather die a Game of Thrones-style death than use the staff bathroom in his own office suite, which leaves only one other choice.

Windreiner was leaning toward the basement closet bathroom as his optimal dump location at the time of press. However, custodians Jim and Larry sporadically use the adjacent supply room to smoke and play cards between tasks. Windreiner was unable to establish the custodians’ whereabouts, meaning a basement run would be a huge gamble both in terms of travel time and lack of believable alibi should Windreiner meet them face to face at the door.   

There remains a possible fourth option in which Windreiner pretends to get sick and just go home for the rest of the day, which comes at the risk of shitting his pants as he lives 30 miles away. 

The La Crosse Times will continue to monitor this story as it develops.   

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire