Satire

October Horoscopes

October 2020: Mars is in retrograde for real, ya’ll, and shit’s about to go down. Don’t let the overly-optimistic suburban housewives of the world sell you that tired lie “ThE uNiVeRsE nEvEr SeNdS yOu MoRe ThAn YoU cAn HaNdLe”. Steel may be forged in fire, but my research indicates that flames are not kind to the flesh. Don’t fret, though, because Cosmic BB’s got you, girl. Find your sign below to see how you should get through the next few weeks unscathed by the red-headed stepchild of the planets’ temper tantrum. 

Aries:

Bold, adventuresome Aries, you have never coped well with restrictions or boredom. As we enter month six of quarantine conditions, you are growing more desperate to shake things up a bit. Heed my advice: Meeting up with that dude Kevin you’ve been messaging on Tinder will only end in a cocktail of antibiotics and a new reason to hate Elon Musk. Your time is better spent sewing costumes for your cats and shitposting from their Instas. 

Taurus:

You had so many plans for Halloween this year, Taurus. Since last November you’d been meticulously planning the most extravagant and indulgent costume party, complete with a full bar, professional monster make-up artist, and elite guest list. Yes, all the seating charts were plotted out and the non-refundable deposits had been made and now it’s all for not. You know the worst part? You. And your incessant need to bitch to all your friends about it EVERY GODDAMN TIME YOU SEE THEM. Tamp that shit down, fam. 

Gemini:

Gemini, you seek to find yourself through the eyes of others. Always the charismatic chatterbox, the longer you remain socially distant the farther you feel from yourself. You long for genuine human interaction and will do just about anything to get it. I feel ya, but that half-cocked idea to start an indie folk podcast you’ve been bouncing around should be deflated. In addition to the unrelenting backlash you’re sure to receive from your four listeners, you’ll only get two episodes out before you get bored, give up, and then drink about it. 

Cancer:

You’ve always known you can do it all, Cancer. You continue to thrive both at home and in the office, but you can’t help but feel like your friends are pushing you away. There is a simple explanation for this feeling: they are. No one is that goddamn put together all the goddamn time, Jordan, especially in 2020. They know you well enough to know that you’re one dropped pen away from leaving more scorched earth than Mount Vesuvius. Do them all a favor and find an outlet for all that stress, eh?

Leo:

The high expectations of a Leo are difficult for anyone to meet, but none more so than the Leo themselves. You need attention, but not too much attention. You want to be appreciated, but never for that which you are insecure. You love to lead but question why anyone would follow you. You occupy more time finding reasons to be upset with yourself than Kanye spends telling Kanye how great Kanye is. Stop it. People like you. You should, too. 

Virgo:

Practical, diligent Virgo, you are never more comfortable than when you’re navigating a well-mapped plan of action, so these last few months have been a special kind of hell for you. Your planner has been long lost to the layers of haphazardly scribbled post-it notes spread out in no discernable order on every flat surface of your home. Honey, put down the coffee, toss them notes in the trash, and listen carefully: Having no plan is the new plan. Repeat this until you believe it, or drink until you can’t read any more, whichever. 

Libra:

Libra, you have always been a champion of balance. Your unmatched aptitude for peacekeeping is both your biggest strength and your most detrimental weakness. Don’t let your incessant need for calm get in the way of telling your racist uncle to stick it straight up his ass, okay? 

Scorpio:

Most Scorpios are known for their quiet and secretive nature. They enjoy their privacy and spend a hefty amount of time reflecting internally. You should really try to be more like most Scorpios, or at the very least stop regurgitating every thought you’ve ever had on every social media platform that exists. We get it; you’re so smart, talented, handsome, and funny. Message received, no need for further correspondence.

Sagittarius:

Ever the optimist, you never fail to highlight the bright side of any situation, Sagittarius, however when coupled with your competitive nature this trait can become cumbersome for those around you. You don’t have to “win” every conversation you enter. There are times when the cons so profoundly outweigh the pros that the pros aren’t even worth mentioning. When one is forced to eat a shit sandwich there is little solace in the whole grain bread, so maybe just don’t bring it up. 

Capricorn:

Capricorn, we both know you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do no matter what anyone has to say about it, so why bother with this? I’ll just tell you it’s a bad idea then I’ll see you next month to say “I told you so”, k?

Aquarius:

Inventive Aquarius, you always find unconventional solutions to everyday problems; always searching for new ways to reinvent the wheel. Alas, for someone so lost in what the future may hold you’re awful impulsive, and that spontaneity glosses over any holes in your blueprints. Revisit Step 4. Trust me. 

Pisces:

Your imagination knows no bounds, Pisces. Regardless of where your physical presence resides, your mind wanders freely through countless realms of fantasy, adventure, and even the occasional romance. No matter what tragedy befalls you, you can always find a quiet corner of your mind in which to escape. Just be careful that you don’t drift so away far that you miss your bus for the third time today because then you’ll have to take the last bus, and you know who drives the last bus. It’s Jerry. He’s the WORST. 

Astrologer Bobbi Lea contributed to this article.

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