Satire

Ocean’s 13 Re-make Stars an All Domestic Terrorist Cast

DETROIT, MICH — A recent remake of the classic second follow-up to Ocean’s Eleven boasts a historic first for cinema: an entirely domestic terrorist cast.

The new film, Ocean’s 13: Make America McVeigh Again opened to huge acclaim among critics who were also federal investigators.

“Once we found out the plot of this particular movie, we had no choice but to burst down theater doors and see it before it got to the general public,” FBI film critic Daniel Downripple said, shortly before rating the movie 6 out of 6 federal indictments.

Instead of the traditional heist of an expensive piece of jewelry or cash from a casino, the prize for the new ragtag crew of tattoo covered virgins with assault rifles was Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer.

“This had everything,” Downripple continued, “guns, plotting, sedition, and no sexual chemistry between any of the men and a living, of-legal-age woman whatsoever.”

Plot details included a trap door, a kangaroo court and a judge wearing a colorful MAGA hat with a cute little propeller on top to remind everyone how legally legitimate their plans really were.

Downripple said that the attention garnered from this film means they are on high alert for any sequels or follow-ups.

“Yeah, now that we know this is something that’s out there, we’re a lot more eager to catch the next ones,” he added.

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire