Satire

Study: 70% of Married Men’s Waking Lives Consists of Hauling Stuff

BERKELEY, CA — A groundbreaking new study from the Marital Harmony Institute (MHI) suggests married men spend inordinate amounts of time hauling stuff as compared to their single counterparts. 

“We know men are basically constantly hauling things once they are married, but we wanted to get a sense of exactly how much,” said Allen Freedlander, lead researcher. “The results were shocking and confirmed the collective feelings of annoyance, volumes of sweat, and groaning we typically see in married men.”

For the study, Freedlander and his team defined “stuff” as “any object or number of objects of various weights and sizes, including bins, boxes, luggage, toys, clothing, furniture, extra junk, or more shit.” 

Freedlander and his team found that, on average, married men spend 70% of their waking hours hauling stuff. The percentage of time increases if they have children.

“We can safely say men are hauling too much crap these days and need a rest,” said Freedlander.

Results of the study indicate that couches, cable television, and Bud Light may be key antidotes to the over-hauling crisis. 

However, critics of the study say the data is skewed and does not take into account the role of perception in the amount of hauling.

Jenna Vandermoor, who conducted a 2020 study entitled “The Little Bit of Stuff Married Men Are Asked to Haul,” said Freedlander is blowing the issue out of proportion.

“The problem here is one of perception. Men think they are constantly hauling lots of stuff, but that isn’t the reality. It’s a perception.”  

Vandermoor also said her study isn’t asking that much of his study. 

Freedlander, who is divorced, was unavailable for further comment, as he just wanted to be done and watch the game now. 

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

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