Satire

Governor Orders All Wisconsin Decision-Making To Be Made at 25% Mental Capacity

MADISON, WIS — A new order from the governor’s office goes into effect Monday, requiring that every decision a Wisconsin resident makes in regards to pandemic safety be made with only a quarter of one’s ability to think critically.

“With this order, we want to significantly reduce the risk of Wisconsinites having to put too much effort into thinking about others,” Governor Evers said sarcastically via one of his bi-hourly addresses on Facebook. 

The order compels residents – specifically residents under 40 and/or residents in rural areas – not to put more than 25% of thought into whether or not one uses a mask, attends a crowded place or event, or visits vulnerable relatives after potential exposure.

“This is great news, I was already doing that,” Brown County resident Jason Maxwell said. “Any time I feel too apprehensive about whether what I am doing is safe, I just try to come up with an excuse like ‘But, I’m outside though’ or ‘Well they’re not wearing masks, but they said they’ve been trying to be good about it’ or ‘I’m younger though, I’ll probably be okay if I get it’. Those really help me be a lot more selfish and not think too much about safety.”

The governor admitted that like many of his past emergency orders, this may be met with resistance and legal challenges from his political counterparts in the GOP-controlled legislature.

“My hope is the people in our great state – and the legislature – can come together and follow this new order for the good of everyone, instead of – oh I don’t know – ignoring it and doubling down to spite me by going in the complete opposite direction and totally take the pandemic a lot more seriously out of defiance,” the governor added with a wink.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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