Satire

LeBron James Wins 4th Championship; Thanks Teammates for Not Getting in His Way

ORLANDO, FL — The Los Angeles Lebron James Lakers stomped the Miami Heat in game six capturing their fourth win of the best of seven game series and clinching the NBA championship. LeBron James, the obvious choice for MVP of the series finals, took a moment to thank his Lakers teammates for getting the hell out of his way so he could make the championship happen.

“I just want to thank all my teammates,” James said as he hoisted the Larry O’Brien Championship Trophy, “Teammate number 1. Teammate number 2. Teammate number 3. Just all of them did an excellent job just getting out of my way.”

Lakers coach Frank Vogel discussed his team’s strategy to break down the formidable Heat defense. 

“What we did was draw up a very complicated offense where whoever has the ball passes it to Lebron,” Vogel explained, “and then they just get the hell out of the way by either floating out around half court or in some instances just standing out of bounds.”

Vogel also encouraged players to turn their backs to the play and not watch, as they may be overcome with the will to play and want to jump in a try to play with LeBron and look like an idiot doing so. NBA analysts compared Vogel’s design to the Phil Jackson triangle offense of the 90s that focused on feeding Michael Jordan the rock at all times. 

Lakers center Dwight Howard once passed the ball to teammate Kyle Kouzma. Immediately overcome in fear, Kouzma quickly passed the ball to James who then penetrated the lane through all five Heat defenders and scored easily on a reverse layup. The Lakers then called timeout and immediately removed Howard from the game and sent him to the showers. Locker room officials reported that Howard was stripped of his jersey and thrown into the street within 10 minutes of the errant pass. 

At one point, a Lakers player got in James’ way as James cut through defenders and was subsequently run over by the Lakers star and suffered a severe shoe-print injury to his face from James’ size 15 self-branded Nike shoe. 

After the incident, the Lakers opted to pull the other starting four and substituted with four other players from the Heat team, creating a nine on one situation. 

Despite the serious numbers mismatch, James easily overpowered the Heat’s nine players as the Lakers bench watched in awe at the athletic spectacle before them. 

“Honestly, the Lakers made me pay a ticket to the game just to watch him play even though I was technically one of the starting five,” commented Lakers guard Alex Caruso, “Pretty sure LeBron doesn’t even know my name either even though I have been playing with him for two years now. It doesn’t really matter. Watching him play is an honor, even if he does call me Doug.” 

Despite LeBron carrying the load, the rest of the Lakers roster were allowed to celebrate the championship win as they were given a single bottle of champaign to split amongst the nearly 25 other players and coaches as LeBron was given lone access to the locker room and the fifteen cases of celebratory drinks. 

LeBron did open the locker room door at one point, prompting some of the players to enter the locker room to celebrate with him. But they were instead ordered to take LeBron’s laundry and exit the locker room so he could finish his celebration the way he finished winning the championship: alone. 

Reporter Dr Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

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