Satire

Texas Roadhouse to Roll Out Barrel of EpiPens to Compliment Peanut Barrel

ONALASKA, WIS — Texas Roadhouse, a steakhouse chain serving American fare with a southwestern spin, has decided to add an amenity to their waiting area: a barrel of epinephrine syringes. 

Located near the future ghost town Valley View Mall, the store decided to make the addition in response to several people who had had an allergic reaction upon entering the restaurant’s plume of peanut dust. This fog of allergen has also leached out into the eastbound lane of highway 16. Nut-allergy-activists are demanding the chain become more friendly to the nearly two million Americans with severe tree nut allergies. 

“We think it’s going to be a huge success,” said store manager Terry Creosote. “It provides a life-saving service to patrons while amusing the kids with endless entertainment. At first we considered a secret epinephrine injection for all who walk in, but it just wasn’t cost effective.”

Creosote is referring to a plan to hide secret injection arrows in the entrance area, which he modeled after a trap in the opening cave scene of Raiders of the Lost Arc

“Unfortunately our lawyers warned us that we already have three active lawsuits over the peanuts alone,” Creosote continued, “and the secret blowdart method may contribute more.” 

Prior attempts to curb the anaphylaxis-inducing appetizer was to urge Gunderson Clinic Urgent Care (less than a mile away) to provide an Epi shot drive through. Unfortunately this attempt was met with resistance. 

“No! Just… no!” a spokesperson from Gundersen said. “Drive through EpiPenning? I can’t believe they asked us to do that. Are you insane? No. Stop serving peanuts. Literally 2 million Americans have a life-threatening peanut allergy. People are there to eat dinner, and you already give them free honey bread as an appetizer. The peanuts is a stupid gimick. Stop it. They’re not that great anyway.”

Reporter Dr Jonathon H Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire