Satire

Kwik Trip Launches Kwik Strip Gentlemen’s Clubs

***NOTE: This article – along with all of our articles – is parody. Not factual. Normally we feel we don’t need to spell that out, but for some reason people REALLY want to believe this one. – La Crosse Times Staff***

LA CROSSE, WIS — Kwik Trip, Inc. has officially launched Kwik Strip, a new chain of convenience gentlemen’s clubs.

Opening statewide next week, the clubs seek to provide fast and convenient exotic entertainment in a familiar setting. The move marks a strategic business turn that aims to expand Kwik Trip’s existing portfolio and increase revenue across the board.

“We think there is an untapped market for folks who want to be able to gas up their cars, pick up a few essentials, grab that greeting card they forgot, and then get a quick lap dance from one of our coworkers, perhaps while enjoying a roller dog or nachos,” said Charles Winscomb, head of Kwik Strip sales and marketing.   

“Plus, the name is recognizable as well as effective, like ‘Hey honey, I’m just gonna head to Kwik Strip, be right back.’ Did I say Kwik Trip? Strip? It all sounds similar, leaving a kind of gray area as to where exactly I’m going,” Winscomb added.

Company officials say there is a viable market for fast and convenient exotic entertainment and believe traditional gentlemen’s clubs and other forms of adult entertainment are outdated.

“Sneaking off to some questionable roadside club in the middle of nowhere at 1:30 A.M. on a Saturday night when your wife’s already in bed thinking you’re catching up on SNL is now a thing of the past. Not that I would know anything about that per se,” said Winscomb. 

Kwik Strip will retain some popular Kwik Trip brands, but in a repurposed fashion. 

Customer favorite The Hot Spot will no longer serve warm grab-and-go food items but instead serve as a location for private shows and lap dances by a performer named Karuba Gold.

Nature’s Touch, a familiar line of kitchen essentials, will be repackaged as Nature’s No-Touch Policy, which is standard practice in most gentlemen’s clubs. 

Kwik Strip is not, however, planning to incorporate The Urge at this time, citing legal concerns.

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article. 

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