Satire

Castle On Cass Adds New B&B Room Only Reachable by Trebuchet

LA CROSSE, WIS — As you may know, the “Castle on Cass” – one of the city’s most recognizable structures – is utilized as an upscale bed and breakfast. What you – and the new owners – may not know, is how many rooms there actually are inside.

“When we originally studied the building, we found only seven bedrooms,” Castle B&B co-owner Rahm Kahm said, “but ever since then, we keep stumbling on more and more. We’re up to like thirty-six now.”

Of note is a discovery made just this week of a room at the very top of the castle that is only reachable by being flung via medieval trebuchet. 

“We tried a number of other ways,” Kahm continued, “trying to find doors somewhere, building a ladder, using a helicopter… none of that worked. Only by being carelessly swung like you were a boulder or a bottle of plague-infested rats during some siege in the dark ages are we able to get you into that room.”

Getting out of that room proves just as much of a challenge.

“Definitely start working on your Rapunzel hair,” Kahm said. “Either that, or learn to ask a moth to go get you a giant eagle you can ride on like Ian McKellen in that one wizard movie.”

Kahm says guests who are interested in booking a night in what they’ve named “The Damsel Suite” must sign a waiver first.

“We’d also encourage you to use the restroom before going to your room,” Kahm added. “Could be a while up there.”

The Damsel Suite can be booked for $637 per night or for the promise of your daughter’s hand in marriage.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire