Satire

Coney Barrett’s Alleged Familiarity with Creepy Robes “a Plus”, says Judiciary

WASHINGTON, DC — The Senate Judiciary Committee began its hearings Monday regarding the confirmation of judge Amy Coney Barrett to the US Supreme Court. Judiciary members on both sides of the aisle made reference to her background, with democratic member Diane Feinstein expressing concern over Coney Barrett’s alleged membership in the reclusive Catholic group People of Praise. Ranking Republican Lindsay Graham took the opposite stance, arguing that if Coney-Barrett “liked to march around in creepy robes” that it would be “an absolute plus, in my book”.

“Look,” Senator Graham went on, “the Supreme Court is a group of nine absolute lunatics who think it’s totally normal to appear in public wearing flowing black robes. Where else are you going to get that? We’re certainly not going to invite someone from a DnD group.”

This sentiment was echoed by Senator Chuck Grassley, who said: “First and foremost a supreme court justice has to fucking love wearing creepy robes, and in that aspect Judge Coney Barrett is miles ahead of any other candidate. What we need, no – what America needs, is a deranged weirdo who is so focused on bizarre ritual and scary costumes that the material well being of their fellow countrymen simply never comes up.”

“Plus,” Grassley concluded, “I heard she swore total obedience to her husband. We could use a bit more of that around here, am I right fellas?” At this, every male member of the judiciary erupted into riotous laughter – including a spirited high five between Cory Booker and the still-contagious Thom Tillis. They then voted to adjourn for lunch in a stunning display of bipartisan collegiality.

Reporter Lincoln Freimund contributed to this article.

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