Satire

Holmen School District Announces “Save The Coronavirus” Campaign

HOLMEN, WIS — The school district of Holmen has announced a two to three week campaign beginning October 26th to help save the novel coronavirus’s dipping numbers in La Crosse County.

“It’s dying out! Poor little thing,” district administrator Wreklesse N. Dangermend said. “Well never fear, little buddy! Holmen Middle is here!”

The district’s Save The Coronavirus campaign is simple: throw hundreds of pre-teens and dozens of tired low-paid pawns in a decades old and poorly ventilated building, waiting for the inevitable to happen.

“We thought we would hand out random items, Battle Royale–style, as a fun little test of the students and teachers’ creativity and ingenuity,” Dangermend went on, taking a long puff from their cigar and cackling. “Maybe one person gets a cloth mask, someone else gets hand sanitizer, or maybe a no-touch thermometer and OPE! Poor Billy over there… he got stuck with just a spatula! What is he gonna do with that?? Guess you all have to work together to find out.”

Dangermend says the campaign aims to produce dozens more new cases of coronavirus infection and lead to hundreds of students quarantining, thereby saving the virus’s dwindling numbers.

“We’ll have to go back to virtual learning shortly after that, probably,” Dangermend admitted, tossing the ashes of their cigar into a nearby unfinished cup of coffee, “but just to get two weeks of utterly distracted learning in and to undo months of mitigation efforts will all be worth it.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire