Satire

Presidential Town Halls Delivered Entirely Via Fart Noises

MIAMI, FL/PHILADELPHIA, PA — With the presidential debate cancelled due to COVID-19 complications, Democratic nominee Joe Biden scheduled a town hall in Philadelphia in lieu of the cancelled debate. Not to be outdone, President Trump then scheduled his own town hall in Miami at the same time and evening as Biden’s. What ensued was what nearly every political analyst projected: both spoke entirely in fart noises. 

Biden’s fart noises came across to audiences as caring and compassionate, almost as if he was trying to mask the fart noises coming from his mouth out of sympathy for the American people. He fart noised with calm and ease as if he held very little tension in his butt cheeks. 

“I really enjoyed Biden’s approach to his fart noises,” stated political analyst Steamy Skidmarks, “His fart noises really came across as presidential. My only concern is that his fart noises did not come across with a strong sense of leadership. The people want to hear competency in the fart noises from their candidates, and some of his fart noises were just wishy-washy wet sharts.” 

While some were critical of Biden’s lack of commitment to his fart noises, Trump came out in predictable Trump style with fart-noises blazing. 

Trump started his town hall with directing his fart noises at his critics with several short bursts of aggressively angry fart noises. Then he made several fart noises that seemingly contradicted earlier fart noises. Eventually Trump settled into his fart noises and touted his self-proclaimed many successful programs through a series of long-strewn, self-indulgent, and seemingly random fart noises. Eventually, Trump’s points devolved into citing fart noise conspiracy theories including the QAnon fart noise group.

“Trump came across with a lot of confidence in his fart noises,” Skidmarks added, “This comes as no surprise as Trump has always been a confident farter, but I think the American people are starting to see through his pandering fart noises and want him to fart noise with more specifics. His insulting farts are not gaining him any headway in the polls.” 

When it came to ratings, Biden’s town hall of fart noises was watched by 13.9 million fart noise views compared to Trump 10.6 million fart noise viewers. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire