Satire

POLICE: Fentanyl Seized Enough to Kill All of La Crosse or One Bored Sparta Man’s Afternoon

LA CROSSE, WIS — The biggest bust of fentanyl in La Crosse County has been described as enough to kill the entire population of La Crosse County two times over, or three to six hours of one Sparta resident in particular.

Police took more than 454 grams of fentanyl in a bust on La Crosse’s south side, making it the largest bust in county history. Just 2 milligrams can be lethal, police took in 454,300 milligrams, enough to overdose every single county resident 1.92 times, or what law enforcement is referring to as a “Jared’s Afternoon” of narcotics.

“This amount is so, SOOOOOO much, it could technically just waste away hours on a Sunday for one Jared Slaptinkle of Sparta, Florida,” Sgt. Ranken Fyle of La Crosse County Sheriff’s Department said. “For those who know him, that should blow your mind.”

Law enforcement uses a scale based on Mr. Slaptinkle’s ludicrously high tolerance developed over decades of having to live in Wisconsin’s Florida. The scale is largely based on how long a particular amount of illicit substances could alleviate boredom on one of the high-functioning junkie’s days off.

“Zero to one hundred grams equals like an episode of the office,” Sgt. Fyle said, “Then, 101 to 250 is more like a couple YouTube conspiracy theory videos, 251 to 300 is new Adam Sandler movies on Netflix, 301 to 450 is a solid two to three hours of InfoWars, but beyond that, I mean… We don’t really know. We’re imagining that the entire afternoon would be completely wasted though.”

Sgt. Fyle indicated that the county may need to update the Slaptinkle Scale if amounts of narcotics seized in the county continue to be at such a high volume.

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

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