Satire

Residents Alarmed by Lack of Political Fliers in the Mail

LA CROSSE, WIS — Local roommates Liv Branson and Rey Reed were shocked by the mail – or rather lack of mail – they received Thursday.

“We get a lot of political fliers,” Branson noted, shakily. 

“Like, a concerning amount,” Reed added. “Like, we’ve amassed a stack about 18 inches tall so far and that’s after purging a bunch in a bonfire a month ago.”

“I can only imagine how much this is costing these pac’s,” Branson added, shaking her head. “Like, they’re always asking for donations. For what? More of this?”

They both blame the undecided voters for all of this, stating that they cannot believe anyone would have any trouble picking a side.

“They both suck,” Branson shrugged, “But one is a little less likely to get us killed, I guess?”

However Thursday, Branson came upon Reed holding their daily mail, dumbfounded.

“‘How many did we get today, Rey? 6? 7?’ and Rey told me…” Branson trailed off, overcome with emotion.

“There were ONLY THREE!” Reed added. “What does that mean!?

The household only received three awkwardly sized election fliers that day – one pro-Biden and two anti-Kapanke – all of which were addressed to former residents, the roommates confirmed. They also stressed the unusual size.

“Most of them are not a full sheet of standard paper, but way bigger than a postcard,” Branson said. “Just a really stupid sized piece of mail with a nice, semi-gloss.”

Reed hypothesized that early voting may be the culprit when it comes to their sudden lack of fliers.

“I mailed out my ballot weeks ago,” Reed said. “I couldn’t assure I’d get time off work. With this election being – let’s face it – possibly the last one ever, I wanted to get mine in early.”

The roommates confirmed that they will be waiting for a lull in La Crosse County COVID-19 cases before they consider hosting another bonfire to purge remaining political fliers.

“I guess – in the meantime – if you haven’t already, you should probably register to vote.” 

Reporter Rachel Rubins contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire