Satire

Nation’s Libertarians Prepare for Another 4 Years of Slumber

AMERICA, USA — While the outcome of the upcoming presidential election is uncertain, one thing remains clear: America’s libertarians are preparing for another four years of total dormancy beginning around the second week of November.

“As a longstanding libertarian I take my responsibilities to our nation very seriously; responsibilities which involve reminding everyone on social media that a libertarian presidential candidate exists and doing literally nothing else,” said local libertarian Barry Mothbard.

“This is what makes it all worthwhile,” said Rou Lockwell, another libertarian. “We make, on average, a dozen or so posts each election cycle. We’ve got memes that span the entire spectrum: all the way from outdated to completely incoherent. All that takes a lot out of you, so we all like to just charge our batteries for an entire presidency before getting back to it.”

We reached out to the Libertarian Party’s state headquarters, rented out of Paul Ryan’s garage, and inquired whether they ever considered pushing for change at the state or local level, or if their focus would be solely Presidential. Party Chairman Mudwig von Lises replied with the following via email:

“What are we supposed to do? Advocate for policies? Look, aside from getting super worked up about taxes and being weirdly nonspecific on our stance vis a vis age of consent laws, we’re literally all bog-standard Republicans. Why do all that work when Vos and his goon squad are out there doing it for us?”

“Plus,” von Lises added, “it’s always fun to lie low for a while and see who we’re going to be running next time. An unhinged oil billionaire? A quack doctor? Who knows! For my money – I think we can get Buttigieg for 2024.”

Reporter Lincoln Freimund contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire