Satire

Meet The Tavern League of Wisconsin Board of Directors

FITCHBURG, WIS — Over the past few months, you have likely heard about the Tavern League of Wisconsin (TLW). In only a couple months, the TLW had legally openly protested and legally challenged Governor Evers executive orders designed to minimize the spread of COVID-19. But who is the TLW exactly? Allow us to introduce you to the TLW Board of Directors.

Vigo from Ghostbusters 2 (President)

Vigo Von Homburg Deutschendorf, also known as Scourge of Carpathia, Sorrow of Moldavia, Vigo the Carpathian, Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, and Vigo the Unholy (feel free to call him by any of those nicknames), is an ancient 16th Century medieval tyrant and sorcerer, also serves at the board president. 

General Zod (Senior Vice President)

General Dru-Zod is a former Kryptonian military general and enemy to Superman who was exiled to the Phantom Zone by his people for treason. He survived the destruction of Krypton and swore revenge against Superman’s father Jol-El. And one of his first acts to take Superman down is to be the senior vice-president of the TLW!

Cruella De Vil (Treasurer)

This wealthy, fashion-obsessed heiress with a voice that cuts into your ears like shards of glass who wishes to wear the skins of 101 Dalmatian puppies as a fur coat moonlights as the treasurer for the TLW. 

Blob Chet from Weird Science (Secretary)

This gun-obsessed dipshit constantly tries to thwart the fun of his younger brother Wyatt and his best friend Gary by being obnoxious with thinly veiled threats of murdering his brother. Eventually Chet’s behavior catches up with him when the attractive British genie Gary and Wyatt create using a home computer and an old Barbie doll turns Chet into a large blob of shit. A PERFECT candidate to act as secretary for the TLW. 

Dr. Claw (Central Zone Vice President)

Dr. Claw always intends to do what he can to achieve wealth or world domination, not to mention eliminating his arch nemesis Inspector Gadget. However, his plans tend to constantly backfire when his men get arrested by Gadget, Penny, or Brain interfering with his plans. His latest plan? Central Zone Vice President for the TLW. 

Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Northern Zone Vice President)

Krang is an evil supervillain in the form of a gelatinous, tentacled brain. Deprived of a body, he achieves mobility through the use of an android body or other device. Krang is also sometimes a slang nickname for “weed,” which is a perfect nickname for the Northern Zone Vice President of the TLW. 

Gargamel (Eastern Zone Vice President)

Gargamel, along with his cat Azriel, continuously plot against the Smurfs in order to capture and likely eliminate them. Gargamel is a loathsome individual who is prepared to commit many sinister and cruel acts to achieve his goals all while enjoying his torment of the Smurfs. The obvious choice to be the Eastern Zone Vice President. 

Jim Pickett (Southern Vice President)

The Alpine Inn
W5717 Bliss Road, La Crosse, WI 54601    
Bus. Phone:  608/784-8470
Cell Phone:  608/792-7425
alpinepick@gmail.com      

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire