Satire

People Swarm “VACHINA BUFFET” After Vandals Cause Confusion

LA CROSSE, WI — Vandals altered the sign of the China Buffet on Losey Boulevard over the past weekend and caused massive confusion, making it appear as though the restaurant was a buffet of vaginas. 

When owner of the China Buffet, Peggy Deepfried, arrived at her store Wednesday morning, she was pleasantly greeted by a long line of customers stretching past Central High School waiting for her restaurant to open. 

“I could not believe it! We’ve always done well at this location, but I have never had this much interest,” Deepfried explained, “I figured people were here to be the first ones to get our crab rangoon fresh from the kitchen.” 

It was when Deepfried approached the front door to unlock it that she noticed the restaurant sign had been vandalized with a “VA” added in spray paint before the words “CHINA BUFFET.” This, in turn, caused a chain reaction of confusion from patrons believing that the restaurant served a buffet of what they believed to be vaginas. 

“I am more curious than anything,” explained Salty Cunnalingus, one of the people waiting in line. “I mean, it seems like a cool idea, but how are they doing it? Are we all sharing the same vagina? Is there like a row of vaginas to sample? Is it bottomless? How does one serve vaginas on a buffet? I WANT TO SEE A MENU!” 

Cunnalingus, along with everyone else in line were greatly disappointed to learn that the sign was the act of trickery by a vigilante spray-painting prankster and not an actual buffet of vaginas. 

Once the announcement was made, there were angry shouts of “AWWW!”, “COME ON!” and “I WAS HUNGRY FOR VAGINA!” before the crowd dejectedly dispersed.  

“I felt really bad for all those disappointed people,” Deepfried lamented over the loss of all those potential customers. “They were really looking forward to some nice fresh vagina here. It really has made me rethink our business model and see if perhaps we can incorporate some form of vagina into our already expansive menu.” 

Currently the La Crosse Police Department is asking for the public’s help identifying anyone with red spray paint on their hands who thinks vagina puns are funny. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire