Satire

Pope Endorses Owning A Blow-Up Jesus Doll

THE VATICAN, ITA — Pope Francis, who has been known as a rather divisive voice between traditional and progressive Catholic followers, has once again taken a progressive stance as he has endorsed the personal ownership of Jesus blow-up sex dolls. 

The announcement came from the leader of the Catholic Church himself as he addressed a crowd from the famous Pope balcony at St. Peter’s Cathedral. As a way to lead by example, the Pope unveiled his papal blow-up Jesus sex doll for the crowd to see. 

“Behold! The inflatable Lamb of God for consecrated copulation,”explained the Pope. “There is nothing weird about it. It is totally cool because God said it was. He totally told me in private, and I can confirm that there is nothing in the Bible about making sweet love to a polyethylene Jesus as long as it was inflated by the breath of a believer. So sayeth the Lord.” 

In classic papal gathering fashion, the large crowd loudly applauded the Pope’s reveal. People could be heard yelling expressions of support including, “Thank you for telling us who we are allowed to love! Without you telling me there is no way to know who I can love, and I appreciate that!” 

The Pope expressed hope that, in time, the hallowed aerated Jesus engorged with the breath of a devout Catholic will someday join the regular Catholic routines of receiving the eucharist, baptism, and embezzling money. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

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