Satire

Is Your McDonald’s Manager Emotionally Broken? A New Map Has the Answer

LA CROSSE, WIS — The world is one step closer to solving one of fast food’s saddest mysteries: Is the McDonald’s manager of the location nearest to you emotionally broken or not?

With just 2,000 lines of code, Flakey Puffpuffpass, 24, created a website featuring a map that tracks which McDonald’s managers are emotionally broken at roughly 10,000 different McDonald’s restaurants across the US.

The inspiration for the creation of the website came after Puffpuffpass went a McDonalds in her hometown only to discover that the McDonald’s manager was, in fact, not emotionally broken which led to a very uncomfortable visit.

“The manager approached me at least three times and asked me how my food was with a big, stupid smile on his face,” Puffpuffpass explained, “It’s McDonald’s fast food! How do you think it is? It’s salty, deep-fried shit, but it’s cheap and quick and helps momentarily dull the pain. Let me engorge myself in food that will slowly kill me in peace!” 

Before this experience, Puffpuffpass assumed all McDonald’s managers were emotionally broken. 

“The hours are rough. The pay is not great. They are constantly having to rehire employees. They fill in all the gaps when people don’t show up. They manage a bunch of high school kids who are not emotionally invested in the job at all. And at the end of the day, they smell like a deep fryer,,” Puffpuffpass continued, “How can anyone NOT be emotionally broken after the first day of that shit?

But after the bombardment of positivity with her last visit, she decided to do something about it and create a resource for people to seek out their own experience. 

“People should NOT have to put up with happiness at McDonalds,” Puffpuffpass concluded, “Live in misery like the rest of us, tool.” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire