WASHINGTON, DC — According to documents obtained by the La Crosse Times, NASA plans to formally denounce and sever all ties with the Moon in an upcoming press conference.
The announcement – which was teased by NASA earlier this week – has caused a stir in the scientific community, with experts speculating wildly what it could be about. Some thought it could be that new mineral resources were discovered on the Moon, or that NASA had new plans for human landing or even settlement; however, according to the leaked transcripts, nothing so cheerful is in store.
The statement goes into some detail about what led up to this abrupt turn by NASA, but mostly focused on how the Moon “sucks ass” compared to other naturally occurring satellites, even going so far as to directly compare the Moon to those of other planets in the solar system.
“Check out Europa,” the statement reads. “Whole damn ocean, frozen under miles of ice. That’s fucking badass. What does our dumbshit little ‘Moon’ have, rocks? Wack.”
NASA goes on to encourage Americans to refer to the Moon as “The Former Moon” until “such as time as we can Blow It Up”.
The statement concluded by noting: “Can’t believe we wasted all that money just to pretend we landed there,” and “wait are you still typing this?”
Reporter Lincoln Freimund contributed to this article.