Satire

WARNING: Look Out for Razorblade Suitcases in Your Kids’ Halloween Candy

LA CROSSE, WIS — With Halloween right around the corner, children are gearing up for dressing in their favorite pretend-time garb while enjoying an evening of fun, mischief and processed sugar. But this time of year always serves as an annual reminder to parents of the potential dangers that come with receiving free gifts from strangers. One timeless fear is that their child’s candy will be tainted with a Razorblade Suitcase album from the english rock band Bush. 

“Some people are just SICK!” screamed local parent Guinness Turpentine, “They put those in there for the sole purpose of harming the children. I mean, I can see Sixteen Stone or even get behind The Science of Things, but Razorblade Suitcase-ing kids is just cruel.”

Razorblade Suitcase was released in 1996, and many refer to it as the last major grunge album of the 90s. The reason for it being the last grunge album is debatable, but many grunge historians believe the album was a straw that broke the grunge camel’s back. 

What to do if your child’s candy has been tainted with Razorblade Suitcase:

  • Immediately get it out of your child’s hands and check your child for injuries. 
  • Absolutely DO NOT open the album or listen to it under any circumstances. 
  • Put the album in a safe place in your household out of the reach of the ears of any child. 
  • Contact other families in the area you know and inform them of the Razorblade Suitcases being distributed. 
  • Retrace your trick or treat route and see if you can narrow down the location of where the album was picked up. 
  • Talk with your child about the dangers of Razorblade Suitcase

Police warn families that if you do find out where your child acquired the album to NOT approach the person/people who did this. You should notify the police immediately. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire