Satire

KING ME! Someone Just Stacked Another Abandoned Checkers on this Abandoned Checkers

LA CROSSE, WIS — An unexpected sight Monday morning, as the abandoned Checkers Drive-In on Lang Drive apparently made it all the way to the back of the game board.

Checkers Drive-In – or “The Heart’s Foe” as it was known in some circles – closed in June of 2013 and has remained closed since, despite their popular restaurant policy of “I don’t know, put some chili on it?”. Even though it remains closed, it now appears this particular Checkers was still playing the game.

Langdon Driveinson was on his morning commute to work at about 6:23 AM when he saw it happen.

“All of the sudden, a huge booming voice from the sky said, ‘KING ME!’ and a big hand parted through the clouds and slapped another, identical Checkers right on top of this one,” Driveinson said. “Scared the shit out of me.”

City officials are still investigating what this means for the vacant property.

“We know that it now has, obviously, twice the table space, twice the kitchen capacity and whatnot,” Mayor Tim Kabat said, “but we’re also pretty sure the building can now move backwards if it wants.”

The new King Checkers was last seen hopping over Fat Porcupine Noodle Bar.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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