WASHINGTON, DC — After photos surfaced of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s hand looking like it had just been badly bruised, reports confirmed late Tuesday morning that they were actually burns from the fires of hell.
“There are no health concerns whatsoever,” a spokesperson said via statement from McConnell’s office. “The Majority Leader is simply getting a feel for what his future holds.”
McConnell reportedly made a deal with a fallen angel turned dark lord to get a solid conservative majority in the supreme court as well as hundreds of federal court appointees. In exchange, McConnell’s soul will be tortured and burned for eternity. However, as part of that deal, McConnell gets to test the waters of the lake of fire to start getting as used to it as he can.
“Senator McConnell has just undergone his first test, reaching his right hand into that which will consume his soul for eons of torture,” the statement continued, “This is why we see the majority leader’s hand in a blackened state.”
Many health experts are now speculating whether this was really McConnell’s first test as part of his deal with The Dark One, pointing out that the effects could be seen years prior.
“If he struck a deal with the devil and was getting a jump start on burning in hell forever, that would explain why he always looks like he’s melting,” one doctor added.
La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.