Satire

Kapanke Flyer Displays GOP Family Values with Dad Fuckin’ Raging on Family in Background

LA CROSSE, WIS — A new mail flyer sent out by Americans for Prosperity, a Koch brother funded conservative organization, in support of Republucan state senate candidate Dan Kapanke. The flyer showcases its traditional GOP family values platform by highlighting a father going fucking balistic at his family as they sit back and subserviantly admire.

“This photo perfectly encapsulates what we believe the modern GOP stands for,” explained flyer creator Cokey VanDickslime, “The father is the head of the household. The lord of the manor. The king of the castle. And when he arrives home from a grueling 16 hour day in the coal mines, he damn well better receive a warm reception regardless of how angry he might be.” 

This warm reception includes the newspaper, his pipe, a lit fireplace, a warm dinner, the family dog on the floor by his favorite chair, SportsCenter, and some “FUCKING PEACE AND QUIET FOR A CHANGE!”

Though the flyer could be considered by many as too conservative, VanDickslime argues that the flyer is very progressive with some of its more subtle elements. 

“Just look at that guy’s shirt,” VanDickslime pointed out, “There’s no way a man would be caught dead with a pink shirt in the 1950s. See? Progressive.”

With this in mind, VanDickslime was careful to not tread into unsafe waters with the flyer’s modern look. 

“With the pink shirt decision, we thought it best to make the family white. I mean REALLY white,” VanDickslide continued, “Like nuclear family picnicking outside in the fall after they just got their $1500 family pictures taken white.”

Kapanke is running against Democratic candidate Brad Pfaff to represent District 32 in the state senate. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire