Satire

LinkedIn and Adobe Merging to Send Neverending Cavalcade of Emails and Updates

SAN JOSE, CA — Tech company giants LinkedIn and Adobe have announced plans to merge their companies in an effort to push out even more annoying emails and unnecessary computer updates.

Combined, the two companies send out emails and computer updates at a rate of approximately 6500 per day per person, which exceeds that of any other tech company or platform in the world. 

According to Dr. Jonathon H. Dong, head of the Lithuanian-Ukrainian Symposium on Technology (LUST), LinkedIn and Adobe Acrobat produce so many meaningless emails and computer updates that they are somehow beginning to deteriorate the ozone layer. 

“Currently, there is an unsustainable amount of junk mail and computer restarts occurring each day,” said Dong. 

Dong also indicated that he and his team have followed numerous fascinating case studies of individuals receiving this obnoxious stream of digital content. 

“One gentleman, a seven-foot Icelandic fellow in his forties, started receiving LinkedIn emails after simply standing near a LinkedIn user. Astounding,” said Dong. 

Another person, a fifty-nine-year old Louisiana woman, receives regular notifications to update Adobe Acrobat, even though she says she has never used or even clicked on the application. She has also intentionally shut off automatic updates on her computer, citing concerns over losing her current version of Minesweeper. 

Dong and his team find such phenomena puzzling and concerning.

“LinkedIn and Adobe may be applying experimental quantum physics, perhaps with some type of concentrated beam or advanced cathode ray tube,” said Dong. “We also are not ruling out sorcery or dark magic.”

Representatives for LinkedIn and Adobe Acrobat did not immediately return phone calls asking for comment but indicated more information would be shared upon creating an account with them. 

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

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