Satire

Superintendents Forced to Write “I Will Not Reopen Schools” 1000 Times on Chalkboard as Punishment

ONALASKA and HOLMEN, WIS — In an unsurprising and scientifically predictable turn of events, both the Onalaska and Holmen School Districts have announced the transition back to virtual learning after an impressively lame three days of in-person learning. As a punishment for pushing to reopen despite every single piece of local COVID-19 trend data encouraging districts to not do so, superintendents for both Onalaska and Holmen were forced to write “I Will Not Reopen Schools” 1000 times on a blackboard in the hope that they will learn their lesson. 

Both districts started the school year by using the Harvard Model COVID-19 data tracking system to justify the virtual start. Unfortunately, the moment that Harvard Model indicated the schools could reopen two weeks ago, Holmen and Onalaska superintendents pounced without waiting at least a week to see if the 7-day trend would continue to hold steady.

In the week leading up to the transition back to in-person learning – a decision for which 89% of school staff believed districts were not adequately prepared for in a completely ignored staff survey – teachers and families scrambled to completely change their schedules to make the inevitable change to in-person learning work for their children. 

Five days before the reopening, COVID-19 numbers began to spike in the area again and the Harvard model informed districts that they must not move forward with the reopening. Unfortunately, both Holmen and Onalaska had conveniently decided to abandon the Harvard model and move forward with the reopening  citing “the trends in the area continue to be steady” without addressing or acknowledging that the trends were steadily HIGH. 

The multiple transitions has obviously shaken these small communities who rely heavily on one another for support as many local businesses function based off of the school schedule. So it is not surprising that there is a universal demand for a humiliating punishment.

The determination for the punishment came from each district’s school board after a very strong verbal tongue lashing as each superintendent stood in front of them with their heads down, hands in their pockets, and tears dripping to the floor. 

“Todd Chadwick Antony! You have been a VERY naughty superintendent,” yelled Onalaska school board president Waxy Eardrip at a visibly remorseful Antony, “We have called your mother and there will be no recess for you for the rest of the month.” 

It is reported that Holmen superintendent Kris Mueller tried to plead with the Holmen school board stating that “during our short time, we have seen great success with students.” When asked by a board member what could possibly have been a “great success” accomplished in literally less time than it would take to binge watch all the Star Wars movies, Mueller simply stood in silence before the board member said “I thought so.” 

Mueller will also not be allowed chocolate milk for her snack break for that comment. 

La Crosse Times staff contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire