Satire

Wisconsin State Snow Plowers Association Adds Exacerbating Potholes, Killing Grass to Yearly Goals

MADISON, WIS — The Wisconsin State Snow Plowers Association (WSSPA) held their annual convention last week in preparation for the upcoming winter plowing season. 

Working over several days, the group created a new mission and vision statement and unveiled their yearly goals to the public. 

According to the WSSPA website, the new mission and vision statement now reads:

From curb to lot, 

In ice or storm, 

We’ll plow this shit

In good form.

Despite these changes, the WSSPA will retain its familiar motto, “No flake left behind,” which has been in use since 1983. 

Association members discussed several other key issues, including parked cars and frozen dog crap, before discussing their yearly goals. 

WSSPA Winter 2020-2021 Goals:

  • Salting the hell out of everything
  • Exacerbating existing potholes
  • Replacing sand with more salt
  • Fucking up your mailbox
  • Adding salt to vehicles showing rust
  • Beginning plowing just as you leave for work
  • Killing grass for the spring 
  • Staining even more cars with salt-filled slush
  • Ruining what you just shoveled by hand
  • Salt

In a spirit of transparency and boosting public relations, the WSSPA encourages residents to dialogue with their local snow plow representatives.

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

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