Satire

Police Warn of Man Trying to Sneak Deadbeat Son Into Halloween Candy

LA CROSSE, WIS — Police in the area are warning local parents to double and even triple check their kids Halloween candy haul.  The police give a similar warning every year, telling parents to inspect and toss out any suspicious looking or opened pieces of candy. This year, the warning is a little more specific. 

Instead of the usual poison or razorblades in candy bars, the police are claiming that young Halloweenies might be tricked into taking home a little more than a treat. One local father is planning on giving away his own deadbeat son. 

Clartis McBlartis is suspected of planning to pass his son off as a piece of candy, in the hopes of finally getting rid of him. 

“We believe Clartis may try to claim his son, Chyle, as candy bar. Possibly a Butterfinger or a 3 Musketeers,” explains Sgt. Dwayne Yolkum from the La Crosse Police Department. “He’d probably be one of the full size bars, not one of the fun size, or those bullshit mini candy bars,” 

“It’s not the first time Clartis has tried to pass Chyle off on someone else. Once Clartis tried to surrender Chyle for adoption at the courthouse. We had to explain to Clartis that you can’t give up a 24 year old,” Yolkum continued. “We also found that out once Clartis got a job canvassing for the Brad Pfaff campaign, he left Chyle rolled up and stuffed inside the handle of someone’s front door, like he was a political flyer.” 

Clartis could not be reached for comment, but according to Officer Yolkum, the young McBlartis is a college dropout with no job, who apparently makes money as an Instagram influencer.   

Reporter DJ Bigalke contributed to this article.

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