Satire

La Crosse Man Entered Kwik Trip Late Last Night, Not Sure How Far Purchases Went

LA CROSSE, WIS — After having a particularly trying day, La Crosse resident Jax Ammerman spent most of last night visiting with friends and consuming numerous alcoholic beverages.

After a lengthy period of drinking extending well into the night, Ammerman became hungry. 

Hoping to loosen up even more and continue partying, he stumbled into Kwik Trip’s arms a little after midnight, even though he was shy at first, just to see what it might be like.

Ammerman felt his way around the store’s opening and tentatively entered but does not remember how long he stayed inside, whether or not he wore his coat, or whether or not he finished his big purchase. Ammerman later admitted having trouble getting his card up to slide it in. 

Reports indicate Ammerman was feeling unsure about his decisions in such a foggy state, but Kwik Trip looked appealing and smelled good. 

Early this morning, Ammerman awoke to find himself nude and surrounded by various food wrappers on the floor. 

All the food items he thought he loved were already gone and would not be joining him for breakfast. 

At the time of press, Ammerman was reportedly considering calling the Kwik Trip store to see what happened and where they go from here, but he forgot to get the store’s phone number last night. 

Ammerman may look up the number instead but is worried that may come off as weird. 

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire