Satire

Pizza Doctors Honored With 21 Pizza Cutter Salute

LA CROSSE, WIS –  October 31st marked the end of an era in La Crosse. Pizza Doctors, the beloved pizza restaurant and buffet best known for its exploratory surgery, has permanently closed citing the financial strains set on by the COVID-19 pandemic. 

As a parting gift, the local police department provided the closing ceremonies with a 21 pizza cutter salute as the family who owned the restaurant exited via honorable pizza paddle arch.  

Despite La Crosse slowly gradually growing in pizza chains for several years, Pizza Doctors has always held their own and reigned supreme. How exactly? They provided what no other large chain pizza restaurant could ever dream of providing: creativity.   

For 34 years, Pizza Doctors has been home for local youth sports post-tournament mayhem as kids either celebrated their championship or licked the wounds of their defeat with as much pizza as their infinite little appetites could handle. All the while the “adult table” enjoyed sampling the amazing variety of pizza combinations that Pizza Doctors had to offer. 

M&M with peanut butter pizza? Got it. BBQ pork? Got it? Skittles? Taco? Marshmallows? Apple crisp? Chocolate? Fruit Loops? Got it. 

They took these risks not as a gimmick, but to give La Crosse something no other town had. It was one small piece of La Crosse that set us apart from other small cities. 

All over La Crosse, residents will be pouring ceremonious glasses of melted mozzarella and pizza sauce tonight as the lights go out one last time on this timeless treasure La Crosse will never replace. 

Here’s to you, Pizza Doctors. Best of luck on your next adventure… or experiment. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong sadly contributed to this article.

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