Satire

La Crosse PD Annual “Alternate Side Parking Fundraiser” Starts Sunday

LA CROSSE, WIS — With the winter cold right on our heels, La Crosse residents are digging out and dusting off their winter snow necessities: shovels, snow boots, winter coats, and vodka. All the while, the La Crosse Police Department are digging out and dusting off a winter necessity of their own: alternate side parking tickets. Sunday, November 15 marks the start of the four-month annual La Crosse Police Department Fundraiser of dishing out thousands of unnecessary tickets. 

“This year, we are looking into some heavy-duty military grade tactical equipment,” commented La Crosse Police Chief Slippery Whenwet, “Maybe one of those bitching armored military vehicles, ya know? Like the Batmobile from the Christopher Nolan Batman series. That would totes rock!”

With La Crosse averaging anywhere between 14,000 to 15,000 per year with citations ranging from $10 to $60, that $1 million military-grade Batmobile is actually within reach of purchase. 

“And if we can’t get that Batmobile, we can always scale it back to a Tim Burton Batmobile. That one was pretty bitchin’ too with the bombs that come out of the wheels and shit.”

Chief Whenwet credits the department’s new automated citation system – which has license plate recognition and GPS technology – for their ability to maintain doling out thousands of tickets despite the alternate side parking period decreasing by 31 days in 2018. 

“That, too, is very Batman-like,” Chief Whenwet explained, “It’s more of a Zach Snyder Batman technology. You know, more expensive than it really needed to be, but we opted for the more expensive model because it looked cooler. More blinky lights and beeps and boops. Seriously, there are buttons we don’t even know what they do! We’re too scared to push them.”

In essence, the number of alternate side parking tickets has increased despite the fundraiser time frame decreasing because they were able to use the money from previous fundraisers to purchase an expensive system to make their fundraiser more efficient. 

In the four month time frame of the fundraiser – November 15 to March 15 – La Crosse averages 31 days of snow, or approximately one out of every four days. Yet several of these days do not require the services of plows. 

Despite this blatant discrepancy, Chief Whenwet showed jubilation in the system with optimism that the department can hit their one million dollar goal.

“For this year’s purchase, we are going old-school and looking to get an Adam West Batman-style Shakespeare Bust Switch for my office,” Chief Whenwet said, “where you tilt its head back to reveal a button that, when pushed, opens up a secret door in the wall to our Batcave. It’s gonna be TOTALLY BITCHIN’! Oh, yeah. Did I mention we already had a Batcave? Thanks to the rough winter of 2018-2019!” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

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