Satire

Blue Baby Arrested for Voter Intimidation

LA CROSSE, WIS — The city’s most notorious art display is now in police custody after several accusations of voter intimidation.

Voters standing in a lengthy line at city hall said they almost immediately felt unsafe.

“I mean it didn’t move or anything,” voter Linda Carlton said, “but I still felt like it was following me, you know? I think it’s the eyes.”

“You’re supposed to feel safe while voting, at least in this country,” voter Samuel Clemmentiddies said. “When I got near it, I knew right away it was going to sprout its spidery tendrils, break out of the egg, roar at the sky and then eat me alive if I didn’t vote the way it wanted me to. You just can’t have that sort of fear at a polling place, it’s not right!”

When police arrived several hours later, despite the scene being just outside their doors, they found bricks, a knife, two samurai swords and several stacks of Jo Jorgensen flyers stored in the base of the egg.

The Blue Baby was taken into custody immediately and charged with voter intimidation, unlawful carrying of a firearm and littering.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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