Satire

Democrats Optimistic Exact Same Strategy That Didn’t Work Before Works Now

WASHINGTON, DC — If the Democratic party is anything, it is consistent. Painfully and rigidly consistent. Though this consistency plays to their advantage with people who appreciate the comfort of predictability, we are learning that those people are fewer and further between in this country. 

“This country doesn’t like to know what’s coming,” commented Republican leader Spanky McNugget, “People want their knees to buckle from curveballs and get drilled with high and tight fastballs.”

McNugget’s description is the recipe for success in American politics: Say what dumb people are thinking, but know they should not say aloud.

While Republicans have successfully lit a fire under their base with encouraging xenophobia, outwardly embracing racism and ignoring blatant sexism, Democrats continue to pump up a mostly deflated base with recycled talking points and empty promises.

“Orange man bad!” 

Yeah, we know. How are you going to restructure funding public education? 

“Orange man REALLY bad!” 

OK. We get it. But what about healthcare costs during the pandemic?

“Orange man super duper bad bad bad badly bad.” 

With the selection of another aging politician hoping to cement their name in the history books while having minimal experience of the struggles of being a working-class citizen in 2020, the Democractic party took the exact page from their 2016 playbook and simply photocopied it with the hopes that the slight facelift will make a difference.

“We think our 2020 strategy will work even though we lost in 2016,” commented Democratic campaign leader Pankey Xerox, “I mean, how can someone not like our No More Malarkey slogan? It’s totally hip with the kids, right? Also, Orange man bad! That one really gets people energized to support us!”

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire