Satire

John Bolton Writes In “My Mustache” for President

WASHINGTON, DC — In a surprising turn of events, John Bolton, former national security advisor to President Trump and Wilford Brimley look-alike constantly on a warpath, indicated he has changed how he will vote in the November 3rd election.

The lifelong conservative recently committed to voting for Joe Biden after his time with Trump prompted him to say that the president “needs to be denied a second term”. However, Tuesday morning he walked that back.

“I know what I said, and it’s true! He shouldn’t be president again but… I just can’t bring myself to vote for a democrat,” Bolton said, “That’s why I wrote in the only one I can really trust to do the job: my mustache.”

Critics were quick to jump on Bolton’s decision, calling into question whether facial hair could really run the country.

“This ol’ muff duster and I have been through a lot. It’s seen some things. It’s done some things,” he continued, “I believe my lip foliage has the experience needed to get the job done and ultimately, that’s why I’ve made this decision.”

Since his announcement, polling indicates that “John Bolton’s Mustache” is sitting at a whopping 50% already among undecided voters.

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire