Satire

“Poll Watching” Fastest Growing Fetish on PornHub

ONALASKA, WI — As millions of Americans finish up at the polls, a new fear of voter intimidation has risen among those who decided to vote in-person: Poll Watchers. 

Though people have expressed concern over armed, masked, and likely untrained militia organizing at polling locations, they want you to know that they have a very different purpose in mind.

“I just watch the polls to masturbate,” commented Skeetskeet Jergens as he stood in front of the Town of Onalaska Townhall with a loaded AR-15. “People get in those voting booths and share their dirty little political opinions. They’re so naughty! It’s like a once every four year massive orgy.”

This year’s election is proving to be the biggest orgy in American history thus far yet with voter turnout likely to easily surpass 150 million people, dwarfing the 139 million who cast ballots in 2016. 

This growing trend of Poll Watching is beginning to take hold on some of the largest online pornography sites as PornHub’s top search for the past week has been “Poll Watching” with Poll Watchers sharing their steamy voyeuristic videos of people voting. 

“I just love the idea of people voting while I watch from the distance in the dark,” Jergens added in a very breathy low voice, “I like pretending I’m the ballot and they are filling me out really good. Yeah, baby. Get that thing verified! Yes! Check that permanent residence and signature. Give it to me! Give it to me!” 

Jergens then climaxed once he orgasmically put on his “I Voted” sticker. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire