Satire

Undecided Voter Sees Shadow This Morning; Six More Weeks of Election Uncertainty

LA CROSSE, WIS — It’s presidential election day in La Crosse, a time where the undecided voter is pulled from his four-year hibernation under a rock – where there is apparently no information available – to help choose the future direction of a country of hundreds of millions.

A special ceremony includes La Crosse city officials yanking “Wishywashy Winslow” – the area’s most famous election predictor – from his apartment in the Washburn neighborhood, and holding him up for the cheering crowd to see while anxiously awaiting his decision – or indecision.

“Well – as we all know – traditionally if Winslow sees his shadow and is scared off from the process, that means six more weeks of not knowing who the president will be,” Mayor Tim Kabat said, looking very stately in his traditional top hat and coattails. “Winnie’s only ever seen his shadow once, but that was back in 2000.”

Tuesday’s ceremony as it turned out, was one for the books. Upon being taken out of his efficiency apartment unshaven and wearing full body Super Mario pajamas, Winslow almost immediately saw his shadow and started screaming, “I DON’T KNOW! AHHH! I DON’T KNOW! I MEAN THEY’RE BOTH BAD, RIGHT!? I THINK I READ THAT SOMEWHERE. HOW DO YOU EVEN PICK!?!?” before sprinting back inside to bed, leaving a stunned audience.

“Wow, there you have it folks,” the mayor said, “six more weeks of election nonsense.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire