Satire

Area Kids Now Down to Just Shitty Black and Orange Peanut Butter Halloween Candies

LA CROSSE, WIS — After mowing down the majority of the candy in their Halloween buckets over the past several days, area trick-or-treaters awoke Friday morning to the horrible realization that only the peanut butter candies in black and orange wrappers now remain.

The collective disappointment was palpable among area youth.

Devin Shimshire, 8, of La Crosse said he was devastated by the news.

“At first I was like, ‘there has to be a Snickers or Twix in here somewhere,’ but I got more and more nervous as I dug around the bag only to find what felt like rocks wrapped in cheap wax paper.”

Others attempted in vain to take a more optimistic approach to potentially consuming the festively-wrapped cat turds.

“I thought these couldn’t be as bad as I remember,” said Sophie Vanguard, 11, of Onalaska. “But fuck me, they are that bad! I tried to eat one, and wow, it really is that incredibly bad. I brushed my teeth twice afterward and gargled with a combination of lemon juice and vinegar, which was a welcome relief.” 

Produced by Satan himself and often smuggled in bulk into the homes of grandparents, the black and orange peanut butter abominations are thought to suck the soul out of anyone who eats one in a process similar to that of a Horcrux, but with more self-loathing. 

Variously described as “dog food cardboard,” “wax with a hint of peanut butter,” and “Halloween disappointment,” peanut butter yuckies have been in production since the 1950s, when food that tasted like painful emotion was commonplace. 

Vanguard believes something about the candy must change, calling it “immoral and absurd.” 

“There’s a number of problems here,” she continued. “One time I accidentally ate part of the wrapper because there’s always a little chunk that sticks on the candy. And I’m using the word ‘candy’ pretty generously here. Maybe I can pawn the rest of these greywater nuggets off on my dad.”

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire