Satire

Pennsylvania Ballot Quietly Whispers “Fuck Your Feelings” Into Angry MAGA Ears

PHILADELPHIA, PA — As the mail-in ballots have continued to be legally counted, MAGA supporters have shown a barrage of confusingly insane and utterly hypocritical pleads to “STOP THE COUNT” and “COUNT THE VOTES”. With each passing hour, the results of the election are becoming crystal clear: Joe Biden has won the election. But even though the democratic process still has to play out to leave absolutely no doubt of who the winner is, one Pennsylvania ballot took a moment to whisper a message into a sad MAGA’s ear: Fuck your feelings.

The “fuck your feelings” comment was a play on the MAGA base’s anti-emotional awareness stance early in Trump’s first presidential election campaign. “Fuck your feelings” then became a popular t-shirt for the Trump cult as a way to “own the libs.”

“I just couldn’t help myself,” commented the wise-cracking mail-in ballot from Pennsylvania, “The moment was just perfect and I had to shove that shit right back in their faces.”

The ballot’s comment is a reminder that irony always has a way of rearing its ugly head when people take such extreme stances. With the election clearly steering toward Biden, the MAGA supporters have resorted to their only option: extreme emotions.

“I was just giving me a damn headache,” continued the ballot, “but it’s like when a child throws a tantrum. You just have to let them finish. I know I probably made it worse, but I had to say it for peace of mind.”

The screams of their emotional desperation has somehow been drowned-out by a lone whisper of this single ballot throwing their own words right back in their confused and scared faces: Fuck your feelings.

The ballot’s secret message has reminded them that the only people who would have actually cared about their feelings in this moment are the ones who they told to fuck off four years ago. 

“People have forgotten how me, a simple piece of paper with ink on it, can teach you what really does not give a shit about your feelings,” finished the ballot, “Numbers do not care about your feelings, just like how viruses do not care about your feelings.”

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire